[Pastel Communication Co., Ltd.] 76.6% of mothers worry about their relationship with their grandparents! Challenges for building better relationships with grandparents
*Pastel Communication Co., Ltd.*
Press release: September 10, 2024
**
76.6% of mothers worry about their relationship with their
grandparents! Challenges for building better relationships with grandparents
*~Thinking about modern-day “raising grandchildren” issues on Respect for the Aged Day, mothers’ efforts and improvement measures as seen from survey results~*
Pastel Communication Co., Ltd. (Headquarters: Toshima-ku,
Tokyo/Representative Director: Kayoko Yoshino), which operates Pastel Research Institute, a research organization that aims to prevent problems in the gray zone of developmental disorders from being carried over to adults, analyzed the relationship with grandparents. We conducted a questionnaire survey. While 85% of households did not live together, 32.8% had children in weekly contact with their grandparents. Additionally, it was found that “grandparents not understanding the characteristics of children” was the number one problem for mothers. We will report the survey results along with the TOP5. –
https://desc-lab.com/186452/
“Pastel Research Institute” aims to prevent problems in the developmental gray zone from being carried over to adults, and to find solutions to problems that have not been found even after 5 years in 5 minutes.
According to a survey by the National Institute of Population and Social Security Research, “the first child
The proportion of married couples whose mothers (child’s grandmothers) helped raise their children up to the age of 10 has increased, and among couples as a whole (total number), the proportion of children born between 2015 and 2018 has increased.
It was 57.8%. Grandmothers play an important role in raising children. …About 30% of couples receive help in raising children from the husband or wife’s father, and grandfathers also play a certain role in raising children.
” I found out. (From Figure 9-4-1 of the 2021 Basic Survey on Social Security and Population Issues (National Survey on Marriage and Childbirth)
https://www.ipss.go.jp/ps-doukou/j/doukou16/JNFS16_ReportALL.pdf )
It can be seen that opportunities for grandparents to be involved in raising children are increasing. However, one of the things I often hear from mothers with developmental disabilities in the gray zone is their relationship with their grandparents. In order to solve this problem, we conducted a survey to find out what kinds of problems mothers raising children with developmental disabilities in the gray zone actually face.We would like to report on this.
[Survey overview]
Survey period: August 16th to August 18th, 2024 (2 days)
Answer: Pastel Research Institute reader/email magazine reader, Nicotto! A total of 107 students, developmental science communication trainers and researchers
Survey method: Internet survey
* Do the grandparents and child live together? *
Combining the cases of almost every day and several times a week, 32.8% said they were in contact every week. 29% say they meet several times a month, indicating that they have a sense of distance, neither too close nor too far. 35.5% said they visited their grandparents several times a year, indicating that there are many families who are physically away from their grandparents’ homes.
* Are you having problems with the relationship between grandparents and children? *
In this way, 65.4% of people answered that they have problems with their relationships with their grandparents.
Including those who had problems in the past but have resolved them now*, 76.6% of people have had problems with their grandparents*.
* We looked at the percentage of problems faced by grandparents and children by frequency of contact. *
If the frequency of contact between grandparents and children was *almost every day, 5.25% said they had problems in the past, and 89.5% said they had problems*. *
In total, 94.75% had experienced some trouble*.
* 18.75% answered that they had problems in the past several times a week, and 62.5%* answered that they had problems in the past. *Total 81.25%*
This means that you may be in trouble. *Several times a month* 16.1%, 61.3%, *total 77.4%*. 7.9% for several times a year, 57.9% for * A total of 65.8%** The percentage of people who answered that they would have problems if they had less frequent contact with others decreased*.
Among those who have little contact with others, 66.7% answered that they have problems, suggesting that they may be avoiding contact with others because of problems.
The more frequent contact you have, the closer the relationship becomes, which means that you will have more troubles.
* When did you first have trouble with your relationship with your grandparents? (Answers from people who are still having problems)*
Less than 1 year accounted for 12.6%, 3-4 years accounted for 14.6%, which accounted for 37.5% for 1-4 years, and 45.8% for 5 years or more. We found that most people have had long-term problems with the relationship between grandparents and children.
* At what age have you had problems with the relationship between grandparents and children? *
The highest percentage was from age 5 at 15.5%, followed by 12.1% from age 1, and 10.3% from age 10. Among 6-year-olds entering elementary school, the rate was 6.9%, *
By the first grade of elementary school, 49.9% of children had begun to have problems* in the relationship between grandparents and children.
The age of 10 is called the “10 wall,” a time when learning becomes more difficult and children with developmental disabilities or gray areas tend to lose confidence. This is a time when even parents have to experiment with how to deal with their children through trial and error, so you can imagine that there are problems in the relationship with grandparents as well.
At the age of 5, it often becomes clear that children have the characteristics of ASD or ADHD, and there may be a gap in
understanding between mothers and grandparents, or grandparents may continue to discipline children, which tends to create a vicious cycle. I can imagine that problems such as these may arise.
* ◆Top 5 problems with relationships with grandparents*
I’m worried if there are problems in the relationship between my grandparents and my child.
There are many problems in the relationship between grandparents and children, ranging from being too strict to being too lenient. The 82 people who answered that they have/have had a problem were asked to indicate the specific type of problem that applies to them.
* ◆1st place: “Grandparents do not understand the characteristics of children” 49.4%*
Nearly half of the respondents said that “grandparents do not understand children’s characteristics” was the most problematic issue.
When asked about specific episodes,
* ・No different from a normal child*
I’m always told that. Even when I tell them that this is a
characteristic of a developmental disorder and that they are having trouble, they say, “Hmm, but back in my day there were a lot of kids like that.It’s different now.”
・I was told that my son’s condition was due to *a lack of love from his mother*.
I struggle every day to raise a child that is difficult, but when my grandparents tell me that my child is no different from a normal child and that my mother lacks love, I feel like my current situation is being denied. It’s spicy.
* ◆Second place is “Grandparents deny their children” 43.2%*
43.2% of mothers chose the second option, “Grandparents denying their children.”
As a specific episode,
* ・I don’t do my homework, I don’t eat everything I’m served, I don’t do it right away*, and I’m grumbling about every single thing. ・When I say, “Eat your food,” my grandmother* “You haven’t eaten yet?!*” When I say, “Do your homework,” my grandmother* “You haven’t done it yet?!”*
I put it on and tell my son.
・When my son doesn’t get his way, he throws a tantrum and yells. He yells at me when it’s noisy, and he hits things.
・Sometimes people deny that they are picky eaters and say things like “If you don’t eat everything, you won’t grow up.”
The fact that this is ranked second in terms of troubles suggests that the mothers who responded are trying to avoid negating their children.
Children with developmental disabilities and gray areas tend to receive attention or have their inabilities pointed out. If this happens all the time, you’ll lose motivation and confidence, and you’ll be less likely to take action.
If possible, I would like grandparents to be involved in motivating children.
* ◆3rd place: “Grandparents say that mothers have poor childcare and discipline” 30.9%*
30.9% of mothers chose the third option, “My grandparents say that my mother’s childcare and discipline are poor.”
The specific episode is
・When you go to your parents’ house and see your child acting out, throwing a tantrum, or eating unbalanced food, you may think, “I need to discipline you more strictly.”*
People sometimes ask me, “How do you raise your children?”* ・My mother raised me to be angry, and I sometimes get angry at my children as well, but she warns me not to get so angry at my children and when I don’t do things the right way.
It has become clear that negative words are being spoken against mothers who are struggling to raise children.
This is a very worrisome situation that could undermine the self-confidence and motivation of mothers who are already struggling.
* ◆4th place: “Grandparents have too high demands on their children” 28.4%*
4th place: “Grandparents’ demands on children are too high” is at a level that is not appropriate for the child’s developmental stage* It seems that the grandparents want this and the mother understands that it is not suitable for the child.
If grandparents do not understand the development of children with developmental disabilities and gray areas, their demands may become too high. If possible, we would like them to understand and support their child’s development.
* ◆5th place Grandparents often preach to their children 27.2%* * ◆5th place Grandparents spoil their children too much 27.2%*
5th place: “Grandparents often preach to children” was listed as a problem. Sermons can also be called “discipline” in the Showa era. The fact that it came in 5th place shows that mothers understand that lecturing has no positive effect on their children.
Even if you preach, your words may not reach the children’s ears, and they may end up with only bad memories of their grandparents. If possible, we would like to preserve the warm memories of the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren.
Also in the same fifth place was “Grandparents spoil their children too much.” * Give unlimited snacks, toys, games, Youtube, TV, etc. * , *
There was a specific episode that made me watch it*.
Grandparents may simply spoil their grandchildren because they think they are cute, but children with developmental disabilities or gray zone children may have difficulty transitioning, or may have tantrums if things don’t go their way. Sometimes it happens.
Since mothers often have a hard time dealing with the child, it is possible that the grandparents are not able to change the situation well or are okay with the child’s tantrums.
I asked if anyone had ever had these problems.
Maternal grandmothers came in first place by far at 64%. Because the relationship between the maternal grandmother and the mother is a mother-daughter relationship, they tend to be closer, and this suggests that problems are more likely to occur because the
relationship with the child is also close.
* No improvement even if you take action! 69.6%*
How do mothers who are struggling with the relationship between grandparents and children deal with this?
Please let us know if there have been any specific efforts you have made to resolve any problems you may have.
* “I will explain the characteristics of the child to the grandparents and ask them to respond in a way that is appropriate for the child’s characteristics” 69.6%*
This was an initiative taken by many people. This suggests that grandparents are expected to understand the characteristics of their children in the same way that mothers do, and to respond in a way that is appropriate for their children.
The next most common response was * 26.1%* “My mother
affirms/appreciates the fact that I have grandparents.”
It can be seen that mothers hope that by affirming and thanking grandparents and smoothing the relationship with them, grandparents will increase their positive behavior toward their children.
The specific episode is
・Thank you for taking ◯◯ action! Express your gratitude in a concrete manner. ・Try to express your gratitude when someone takes care of you, or give them a present on Mother’s Day, etc.
・When grandparents do something for a child, even if it’s a small thing, I try to tell them that the child was happy.
– Express your gratitude frequently.
・I go back to my parents’ house and see them about once a month. Give positive feedback, such as that the fruit you receive from your parents’ home was delicious or that you ate it well.
And “Fathers ask grandparents to explain the child’s characteristics and how to respond to the child’s characteristics” at 13%*.
We can imagine that this is primarily a response to paternal grandparents. It can be seen that the father, who is the son, wants to improve his response to the child by having the father, who is the son, explain things that might be controversial if the mother were to talk about them.
From this, it is easy to see how mothers go through trial and error by changing their own responses to problems in the relationship between grandparents and children. While we are taking various measures, we asked if the situation has improved.
* Were there any improvements as a result of your efforts? *
*68.6% of respondents answered “No”*.
Many mothers respond by sharing their knowledge of children’s characteristics and development, as well as ways of interacting with children that are appropriate for their child’s development, with grandparents, but it turns out that the relationship between grandparents and children has not improved. Ta.
*Cause of no improvement*
I asked him why there was no improvement.
– Parents tend to think they are right and stick to the past. ・You can’t change the way your grandparents think.
– Lack of knowledge among grandparents.
・I don’t think it’s a developmental disorder in the first place. I realized that I was in a situation where my mother was not being listened to.
・There are times when I have given up on trying to improve my son’s condition because my grandparents are unable to keep up with his condition, and because my husband is unable to insist on his son’s condition because he is in his care.
As I said, there seemed to be some “hesitation”.
・My husband himself has not fully accepted his disability.
・My grandmother also has a characteristic of saying whatever she thinks, so I have given up on her to a certain extent.
・My grandmother’s own ADHD characteristics. I have very low
self-esteem, so I think I need to address that issue.
We also found that it is difficult to improve the situation due to the developmental characteristics of the husband and grandparents.
This suggests a difficult situation where people don’t understand or listen to your story even after you explain it to them.
When the relationship between grandparents and children continues to be poor, they tend to stop visiting their parents’ home.
* A mom reveals how she solved the problem of her relationship with her grandparents! The key is to take care of yourself at home*
* How did you improve? *
Did it improve? We asked the 31.4% of mothers who answered “yes” to this question how they had improved.
・Now that we’re separated, I don’t have to watch it anymore. ・Since we only met for a few minutes, we didn’t say anything. ・Have only the bare minimum of conversation.
In this way, there were people who improved their relationships by *physically distancing themselves and reducing the amount of time they met*.
– Compared to before, she has become *able to respond without scolding*. ・I feel like I’m more willing to listen than before.
-When I told him that he couldn’t go to school, that traditional discipline wouldn’t work, and that he had sensory sensitivities, he understood, and I no longer forced him to go to school.*
・Don’t interfere, but seriously tell them that you want them to watch over you. ・*You are imitating my response to the affirmation*.
This shows that the way grandparents are involved is changing as mothers deepen their understanding of their children, change their responses, and communicate this seriously.
We also heard about the care mothers take to ensure that the relationship between grandparents and children goes well. The most common response was to be grateful for the improvement due to efforts* It was. Others
・I try to tell them small stories that make them happy (I went out, they helped me, etc.) so that they don’t worry too much.
・I’m working hard on this! I’m sharing it on LINE from time to time. ・I regularly send photos with short stories.
In this way, some people *make sure* to keep their grandparents informed regularly about how their child is doing.
– Talk to the children about their grandparents.
・If there is something that grandma gave to you or made for you, tell your child that grandma gave it to you.
In this way, it can be seen that children are told stories about their grandparents so that they feel closer to them.
・When the grandparents spoke discipline words to the child, they said to the child, “Your grandmother taught me something important. You were trying to listen to me.” This made both the grandparents and the child uncomfortable. I searched for ways to call out (live broadcast).
・When they ignore you, they say it’s because they’re adolescents and embarrassed.
In this way, you can see that the mother immediately follows up* even in situations where a conflict might arise between the child and the grandparents.
The survey results clearly show that even though mothers struggle with raising children on a daily basis, they are making efforts to improve the relationship between grandparents and children. And it turns out that the key to resolving problems in the relationship with
grandparents lies in the mother’s response at home.
* Respect for the Aged Day is a special day to express gratitude to grandparents *
is. We hope that you will take this opportunity to discuss with grandparents the current state of childcare and the developmental characteristics of children, deepen your understanding, and build better relationships. We will support the creation of an environment where children can grow up with peace of mind.
Based on this data research, *Pastel Research Institute would like to provide a method to quickly resolve problems in the long-term relationship between grandparents and children.*
We are preparing to compile it into a booklet! We will notify you via email as soon as it is available, so please sign up here.
* https://desc-lab.com/maillesson/?pr *
*Summary of the survey*
* ○Survey period: August 16th to August 18th, 2024 (2 days)* * ○Research method: Internet survey *
*〇Number of respondents and breakdown: 107 people *
*Graph respondent attributes*
*〇Children’s gender*
*〇Children’s developmental type*
*〇Children’s grade level*
[Click here for detailed report on data research]
* https://desc-lab.com/186452/